Mother's Day

Today is a national day of recognition, for all the mother's out there. As I woke to see various people's statuses on various online programs commenting as such, one item had the word "mother" in link form, taking me to my oft frequented site dictionary.com. Pages of definitions, all of which ultimately indicate one thing, that "mother" means a female parent.

As I thought on this a bit I recalled a common phrase I used to hear quite a bit at my old job, and growing up. "Any male can be a father, it takes a man to be a dad." While I'm certain I'm not the first to apply it to mothers, I don't recall off the top of my head ever hearing it phrased as such.

My brothers will be the first (and usually second and third and fourth and...) to remind me, as well as inform everyone else, that i am a "momma's boy". A term they often meant as a put down, wikipedia even hints to such..."male who has a very, perhaps too, close bond with his mother, often making him soft". You may call it denial, I even laugh to myself a bit thinking about, but I will continue to insist that their is detrimental about my relationship with my mother growing up.

Whether it was the 8 or more calls a day to her at work when my brothers tormented me, building lego castles by the couch when I was home sick from school (that I hear can lead to accidently rolling off the couch and splitting one's head open), her advising me on science fair projects that often took me to school, county, and regional accolades, or her constant and unyielding support through a sport she was ultimately terrified that I was doing in the first place.

I blame/credit my mother with lots of things; my complexion, eye color, chocoholism, my video gaming habits (though she'll deny that one)...but ultimately it's at the core of who I am that I give her the most credit. Think my close nature with my mother growing up good or bad, I'm quite sure it's a major factor in who I am today, my emotional nature, my big 'soft' heart.

So for that, and so many other reasons I can't put in to text, I am extremely thankful for and to my mom. Most of all, for always being there with open arms, that I probably all too rarely take the oppurtunity to fill.

Happy Momma's Day!

To my Mom most of all, but also to my grandmothers, my sisters, and all the other mom's in my life...and any other's that happen upon this, that in so many of their own ways are doing the things that make a mother a mom!

Where there's a will...

...there is less debate, less stress and strain, and ultimately less suffering and difficulty for the family.

I'm referring to a living will and health care power of attorney documentation. Between my internship work in cancer patient support and my current work with cardiac patients this topic has been brought to my attention on several occasions. Initially I thought nothing of it, as I felt it was something I didn't need to be concerned with for many years. Over the last few years however, following encounters with patients and their families I have grown to understand the true value of these simple pieces of paper.

On more occasions than I'd care for, I have watched as a family agonized over what must be the most intense decision possible...whether or not to cease care on an ailing loved one. Our initial urge, I think, is that this is a no-brainer. Do whatever it takes as long as it takes to give me a chance to have my loved one stay around. Or, on the other side of the coin..."well mom has been suffering for quite some time, she has lived a good life". And on some occasions, it can be a relatively comfortable decision. More often, it's when things are sudden, not according to plan, when suddenly a seemingly completely healthy 50 year old man collapses with a heart attack and is on a ventilator. Just yesterday I was playing golf with him, surely he'll recover from this. How hard is it as a family member to sign to cease support and treatment then? Or possibly worse yet, when it's a child.

There are numerous benefits to these documents (living will and healthcare power of attorney). Most obviously that it ensures that your personal desires and wishes are carried out when you may not be able to do so personally. From my perspective, that of a counselor working with patients and families, is the piece of mind it can provide to family members. Often times even when it has been discussed, even in a loved one I've known and been family with for years, that final decision to cease care can potentially be extremely difficult. Sometimes just having a piece of paper, justification for the decision, something that reminds us "this is what he wants" can relieve significant amounts of strain.

In one final scenario I have seen involves a family member on life support after an unexpected event. His children, siblings, nearly all of his family has accepted the current situation and are ready to withdraw care...however, no documentation exists and he has a new wife, who by law, is next of kin and now in control of the decision by default. Now whichever side you agree with, what is clear is this would likely cause stress at the least and family tension, anger, and many other possibilities.

I'm going to provide some links now that give a little more information, but if you have any questions or concerns ask a lawyer, your primary physician, or your local hospital.

And please, despite age, situation, etc, please consider taking the time to complete these. Encourage loved ones to complete them, and ensure that others know where they are, how to access them, and discuss your wishes. A document is no good if loved ones or medical staff don't know it exists!

I brought it up with my parents a few months back, with no follow through. So in part, this is to remind me to follow up on these matters myself.

FAQ about advanced directive from my place of employment

Living will instructions and basic form

Healthcare: POA form

All in one information resource about end of life choices etc